Trolls On Earth: A Very Original Idea
by freeSocks
Summary: Shit, lets be reporters from the future trying to to get stories on trolls. More inside.
1. Chapter 1

Part 1: The Annoyingly Necessary History Lesson

FUTURE theAuthor[TA] from 200 years from now began pestering you.

FTA: wow um.

FTA: you actually clicked on this piece of garbage?

FTA: Like this shits been done like, 50 other times? who am i to claim i can do it better?

FTA: but that aside

FTA: Thanks, I guess.

FTA: For falling for the clickbait title, that is.

FTA: just kidding. sort of.

FTA: but anyways, i might as well give you the lowdown.

FTA: the exposition.

FTA: The backstory.

FTA: so blah, blah, trolls, blah blah, humans, existed without knowledge of each other.

FTA: Nothing of interest.

FTA: but then

FTA: and dont ask me how, cuz i dont know

FTA: the condense

FTA: the condenese

FTA: the queen of the fuckin trolls or whatever she's called

FTA: hears about us through like some bullshit or whatever

FTA: And she's like

FTA: "oh well whoop-de-fuckin-doo go get 'em boys."

FTA: thing is though

FTA: when the first few ships showed up, they weren't really expecting a generation of people raised on movies like _Independence Day_ and shit

FTA: so after we Will Smith welcomed to earthed the mf-ers

FTA: and they alien v predator'd us

FTA: the big ol fish bitch herself decides to show up and fuck shit up

FTA: personally

FTA: and holy hell

FTA: did she fuck shit up

FTA: literally almost all of the USA and Europe went down after a while

FTA: the smaller countries got overrun almost immediately

FTA: everyone enslaved and shit

FTA: but then the Russians get an idea

FTA: and that idea about amounted to "hey lets trojan horse this bitch lmao"

FTA: and the crazy thing was

FTA: it _worked._

FTA: some crazy motherfucker by the name of Mikhail Dibrovski

FTA: a man of brazen balls and few brain cells

FTA: got sent up with a nuke and a note that pretty much said

FTA: "this is the apex of what human science can produce"

FTA: "we hope you will accept it as an offering of peace"

FTA: "it is the most valuable piece of tech we have"

FTA: and dingdingding

FTA: they let him in at the word "valuable"

FTA: they got a translator to force him to demonstrate what it did

FTA: and oh man

FTA: we only know what went down cuz he left his radio on by accident

FTA: "Well, human? What does it do?"

FTA: and the ballsy motherfucker just says

FTA: "This."

FTA: beep. button pressed.

FTA: boom.

FTA: no more fleet.

FTA: humanity wasn't free, mind you

FTA: it took another hundred years of war just to get a truce going

FTA: (and dont tell your troll friends, but we were actually about to give up)

FTA: the borders were strict at first

FTA: but then

FTA: the barriers were broken

FTA: because no matter what

FTA: humans and trolls? we're a horny bunch of bastards.

FTA: literally, in the latter's case.

FTA: you heard me.

FTA: barriers were broken sheerly because we were interested in screwing each other

FTA: love conquers all

FTA: and so does hate, i guess.

FTA: we're still getting used to living with aliens

FTA: that's where i come in

FTA: i'm a journalist, you see

FTA: and what i do is report on the interactions.

FTA: so!

FTA: now that you have the backstory

FTA: I need you all to tell me about all the interesting things that happened to your troll friends recently.

FTA: speciests, faux paus, romance

FTA: just private message me a description of the incident and those involved

FTA: and i should have a story up about them in a week or less!

FTA: seriously, like

FTA: we're a small town paper

FTA: and like

FTA: two trolls live here

FTA: and all they do is binge on coffee and occasionally try to rob the local gas station

FTA: and they never succeed!

FTA: so i need more interesting shit to report on! I'm fucking bored.

FTA: so help me out, all right?

FTA: hell, even the like, 12 famous ones. You know them.

FTA: just pull a story from the tabloids. no one here reads that crap anyways

FTA: see you in what you perceive to be a week or so


	2. Chapter 2

news flash.

indigo clowns in the east have been rwported as rebelling against the government. at the hea d of the mob is one kurloz makara

sorry i typed this on my kindle so its really shitty

and i dont have a account so i cant pm

if you could elaborate on this it would be really cool

FTA: oh, shit. That?

FTA: i mean, at the moment we aren't even supposed to tell the public.

FTA: but who hasn't heard? the internet's all over that shit.

FTA: i guess that outlawing cullings didn't really sit well with the dudes who got off on it.

FTA: and don't try to tell me there's nothing sexual about it

FTA: i've seen the archived footage

FTA: from the war

FTA: sure, they could tear through crowds of people

FTA: through tanks and shit

FTA: but those rare moments, the ones the anti-troll groups always play audio from

FTA: where the got all quiet and up close and personal

FTA: those were scary dude

FTA: i guess taking that away from them wasn't going to sit well

FTA: creepy as it may be

FTA: but i do have a draft written up on the things the rebels have been doing

FTA: lemme pull it up.

REBEL FORCES TAKE HUMAN HOSTAGES

Outcry amongst Alternian highbloods because of the recent outlawing of culling in the Canadian-American territories reached violent levels today as three humans and an unknown amount of Alternians were killed by the mob, with around forty others held hostage in a local J.C. Penny. An unnamed indigo-blooded spokesman for the mob reportedly told journalists that "Them [humans] were up and...blaspheming against the...will of the Mirthful Messiahs! We had to up and...show them that we mean...business!" before the face-painted troll descended into gibberish and attacked a human riot officer. Tensions are still high as a mob consisting mostly of subjugglators overtook the shopping center with staff and customers still inside. Negotiations were held for over four hours with no progress made before famed religious leader Kurloz Makara arrived on scene, seemingly to assist with negotiations. To the stunned surprise of all present, the guru didn't say a word before simply walking into store. All communications went silent for an hour before Makara was spotted near a back window, painting what appeared to be a clown-nosed smiley emoticon on the wall in an unknown substance. No more communications have been established since this incident besides the occasional _honk_ from inside. The safety of the humans and trolls left inside is unknown. Rescue teams consisting of both human and Alternian units have been deployed, and are attempting to recover the hostages with minimal loss of life. More news to follow as the situation develops.

FTA: "as the situation develops"

FTA: you know what that means?

FTA: every time they kill someone we get to tell everyone two days after

FTA: and like we didn't know what the "substance" was

FTA: might of looked like it but it sure as hell wasn't mustard

FTA: and all those ellipses

FTA: lunatic swore so much we had to drop every third word

FTA: ill never understand trolls

FTA: uh

FTA: sorry if i was a bit insensitive there

FTA: my editor says that i can get a little biased sometimes

FTA: hell she may speak from experience

FTA: i may have exaggerated when i said we only have two trolls

FUTURE deaskmansController[DC] from 200 years from now joined chat.

FTA: oh speak of the devil.

FTA: horns and all.

FDC: ?whaT

FDC: .I thought I asked you to stop using human idioms when we talkeD

FDC: .just because you knowledge of local slang is the only thing you can hold over me doesn't mean you have to do it near-constantlY

FTA: well butter my ass and call me a biscuit

FTA: ladies and germs my apparent hatefriend Postee Torkin

FTA: also casually known as my editor

FDC: .hellO

FTA: well isn't this just a humdinger of a gravy train at the crossroads.

FDC: ?didn't I tell you to stoP

FTA: you quit it with the dumbass quirk and i will.

FDC: .nO .this is how I talK

FTA: well ain't that just a bull in a china shop with blood thicker than water.

FDC: .quit or you're fireD

FTA: ok jeez fine.

FTA: I thought you got off on that shit anyways.

FTA: kismesitude or some shit

FDC: .authoR if I were to ever develop black feelings for you I would carve out my own blood pusher and mentally throw it at your housE

FTA: that's hot.

FTA: but orange isn't really my color.

FDC: .freD if you hadn't somehow managed to contact these kids so we could get actual news I would have fired yoU .platonicallY

FDC: .and you are already on the rim of unemployment anywayS

FTA: oh shit.

FTA: does that mean I have to start wearing pants?

FDC: ?!you haven't been wearing pantS

FTA: whoops.

FDC: .really noW .you've somehow managed to undercut my expectations once agaiN.

FDC: .and that draft was abominablE

FTA: was it now?

FDC: .of course it waS .I wouldn't have said so otherwisE

FDC: .your bias is clearer than your human tearS

FTA: ooh shit.

FTA: would you look at that kids?

FTA: i've just been shat on.

FTA: platonically.

FDC: .shut up freD

FDC: .now as I was sayinG

FDC: .this is the newS .we can't show biaS

FDC: .I don't care about your lustus raised you or how bad the situation lookS

FDC: .these people are giving you honest news and you're twisting iT

FTA: what?

FTA: what do you mean twisting it?

FTA: i'm giving my unbiased interpretation of things!

FDC: .well there's your probleM

FDC: .you're humaN

FTA: what?

FTA: i never realised.

FTA: next you're going to tell me you're some sort of alien.

FDC: .and another lovely demonstration of your human sarcasM

FDC: .but that's what we arE .alieN

FDC: .culling has been a part of our culture for millions of sweeps

FDC: .we don't think about it the same way you dO

FTA: yeah well that's lunacy.

FTA: you all seem to have the same sense of superiority.

FTA: like, if you think you're so much better than us, stop killing each other.

FDC: .see there it iS

FDC: .I do think I'm better than yoU

FDC: .but I also think I'm better than the rest of my racE

FTA: didn't you once get your ass kicked by that one actor dude?

FDC: ?whaT

FTA: the oliveblood.

FTA: y'know, the dude who we keep having to report for robbing the drugstore.

FTA: weren't you there once and tried to stop them.

FDC: .I don't recall anything like that happeninG

FTA: you like did your freaky deaky psychic shit and he just ran up and punched you while quoting Wolverine from the X-Men.

FDC: .oH

FDC: .thaT

FTA: so you're better than everyone but him.

FDC: .nonsensE .I would've won if I had harder things than snack cakes and cigarettes to throW

FTA: sure you would've.

FTA: but like you were saying?

FDC: .right welL .it's like thiS

FDC: .we have to cull the weak to keep the slurry purE

FDC: .otherwise we die out as a species

FTA: you also die out if you raid planets full of highly determined humans.

FDC: .see there it is agaiN .the biaS

FDC: .you were raised to believe you are somehow better than uS

FDC: .despite your lack of biological advantageS

FTA: jesus, and you say i'm biased.

FDC: .we're both biaseD .working together makes sure our readers get good, honest newS

FDC: .now get to work fixing this biT .i don't pay you to sit with you opposable digit up your seedflaP

FTA: hey, that was almost an idiom!

FTA: i'm proud of you.

FTA: honestly.

FDC: .shut up and get to worK

FUTURE deskmansController[DC] is an idle Troll!

FTA: sure thing, boss.

FTA: fucking amiable as always…

FTA: but uh, I still wouldn't mind you guys sending me a story or two while i fix this one, okay?

FTA: might get Postee't Note off my ass.

FTA: that way we can actually TALK about the things you send me

FTA: and ill be sure to give you updates on this story as well, all right?

FUTURE theAuthor[TA] is an idle chum!


End file.
